Both of my daughters were adopted almost ten years apart when they were twelve and thirteen days old. Details given about the birth families were limited. The birth families would have the option to register with the agency for a future reunion with their child when they reached age eighteen. That day seemed very far off when I held each of them in my arms. From the beginning we told them their story of how they arrived in our lives. My oldest would stand in the mirror at age seven wondering what her birth mother was doing or if she looked like her. I would respond with answers I imagined possible; she had finished university, was working, and maybe married. I knew someday she would meet the woman who gave me one of two of the greatest gifts in my life.
Jumping ahead now my older daughter is busy with university and has talked about reunion. She receives a letter saying one of her birth parents would like to make contact with her. We both felt it was her birth mother. My initial reaction I was going to be graded on the most important test I had ever taken. My daughter lovingly concerned about my reaction and excited. Their first contact was by email through a social worker. This quickly led to phone calls then the plan for a first meeting. The week before we were on vacation, talking about a gift for her birth mom. Being a crafty family, I suggested we create a scrapbook of my daughter’s life especially for her birth mom. We spent the evenings sharing so many memories as we put the pages together and looked back over her childhood. This was my Love Lesson in sharing my daughter’s life and lovingly offering it in the pages we created. I felt even closer to my daughter and to the woman who gave me this life to love.
The reunion was wonderful. It brought my daughter more family to know with birth grandparents only an hour away. Our first meeting with her birth mom, grandparents and half sister and brother was at a picnic, nervous at first but so much to share with our common bond. My daughter’s birth mom, same beautiful smile, hair, tan, they looked like sisters. So many questions were answered for my daughter. How did I feel? I felt blessed to be part of this reunion and to find my daughter, always a student and seeker find what she looked for and wanted to know. The question I have been asked almost without exception and always with concern “how do I feel about this?” My response is “when we have more than one child we do not love the first one less we love each child as much and with each have a unique loving relationship. My daughter now in a loving relationship with her birth mom does not mean I am loved less for our relationship is its own loving one as it always has been. Our love has been only been deepened. I am her mom.”
Having more people who love and cherish them is a gift we all want for our children. Now three years later she has also reunited with her birth father and more family. She has had many visits to both families and they also have reconnected. My daughter’s story is a loving one and not everyone’s story but as adoptive moms our role is to be loving and supportive throughout this journey. We will always be their mom but as we taught them to share so long ago so must we and in doing so love returns tenfold. In a few years it will be a second reunion journey with my younger daughter. More Love Lessons.
Advice for Adoptive Parents
- Read, research and become familiar with adoption. My daughter, birth mom and I took part in a six week Joyful Reunion teleclass offered by an adoption coach team, one herself an adopted child and the other a birth mom. I was the only adoptive parent in the class.
- Share your child’s adoption story with them from the beginning even if they are too young to understand so it becomes natural and easy. For my daughter it is the story of being an hour early to pick her up, sitting in the parking lot. How she never woke up until we got her home after being held by several different people and a two hour drive home. In the circumstances of an older child or difficult circumstances focus on what positive details possible and your own story of getting ready to welcome them.
- Answer their questions related to their birth family depending on their age as to the details.
- Be prepared for an inevitable moment during teen years possibly where they stomp off saying they hate you and “you’re not my real mother anyway.” Children going through this period of development towards independence can lash out with the most hurtful thing they can think of. If they were not adopted it could be something else like “I wish you weren’t my mother.” It is more about the stage than the adoption.
- Find ways to be part of the reunion with a scrapbook, photo album or sharing mementos from school and other activities in person or online.
- Your child will share many similarities with their birth parents. The nature versus nurture question. They will share characteristics from both their birth and adoptive parents. They will look like their birth parents but have mannerisms or interests from both. My daughter has always loved camping; her birth family are avid outdoors people. The summer her birth mom was pregnant with her, much of it was spent camping. My daughter also is very creative and crafty; I set up a craft center for her at a very young age.
- Reunion is complex and rejection is a possibility. In my older daughter’s case it has been rich and loving but with such a large extended family now it means spreading herself between many more people. Everyone has her best interests at heart so it has worked out very well. Whatever the case is always be there for them with an open heart. Access professional advice and help for your child, siblings or yourself without any guilt.
Debra Quartermain is a devoted single mom of two amazing daughters ages 16 and 25. She currently resides in Fredericton, NB, Canada.
*A huge Thank You to Kemi Ingram of MOMboTV for introducing me to Debra Quartermain. Two sites I highly suggest visiting, www.MOMboTV.com and www.pqexpressions.com so you too can be dazzled by the creativity of these amazing women.
