Adopted: The Movie, Is Finally Here

I highly recommend this movie for anyone considering adoption within their race or especially outside their race.  There have been clips from this film on YouTube for months now and they are riviting, emotional, heartwarming and sad.  

As you will see, adoption is not just about getting a baby or getting a child it is a life long journey of compassion and understanding between you and this very special human being that is allowing you the opportunity to parent.  

If you have any connection to adoption what-so-ever, and 6 in 10 Americans do, you NEED to see this film.

To see a trailer, click here

To view more clips from Adopted, The Movie click here

Q & A With A Birth Mom, What You Really Want To Know

If you are thinking about adoption, even if you are in the very early stages of that thought process, one of the big decisions that comes with it is Domestic or International? Given my experience over the last 10 years I would have to say the biggest ‘fear factor’ in a domestic adoption is the Birth Parents.  I will be blogging more about this next week, but to read my recent interview with a birth mom go to Root and Sprout.com and check out my piece under Paths to Parenthood.  If you have any further questions or feedback regarding the interview feel free to post them here or email me. I would love to hear from you.

Love Lessons: One Adoptive Mother’s Story

 

 

Both of my daughters were adopted almost ten years apart when they were twelve and thirteen days old. Details given about the birth families were limited. The birth families would have the option to register with the agency for a future reunion with their child when they reached age eighteen. That day seemed very far off when I held each of them in my arms. From the beginning we told them their story of how they arrived in our lives. My oldest would stand in the mirror at age seven wondering what her birth mother was doing or if she looked like her. I would respond with answers I imagined possible; she had finished university, was working, and maybe married. I knew someday she would meet the woman who gave me one of two of the greatest gifts in my life.

Jumping ahead now my older daughter is busy with university and has talked about reunion. She receives a letter saying one of her birth parents would like to make contact with her. We both felt it was her birth mother. My initial reaction I was going to be graded on the most important test I had ever taken. My daughter lovingly concerned about my reaction and excited. Their first contact was by email through a social worker. This quickly led to phone calls then the plan for a first meeting. The week before we were on vacation, talking about a gift for her birth mom. Being a crafty family, I suggested we create a scrapbook of my daughter’s life especially for her birth mom. We spent the evenings sharing so many memories as we put the pages together and looked back over her childhood. This was my Love Lesson in sharing my daughter’s life and lovingly offering it in the pages we created. I felt even closer to my daughter and to the woman who gave me this life to love.

The reunion was wonderful. It brought my daughter more family to know with birth grandparents only an hour away. Our first meeting with her birth mom, grandparents and half sister and brother was at a picnic, nervous at first but so much to share with our common bond. My daughter’s birth mom, same beautiful smile, hair, tan, they looked like sisters. So many questions were answered for my daughter. How did I feel? I felt blessed to be part of this reunion and to find my daughter, always a student and seeker find what she looked for and wanted to know. The question I have been asked almost without exception and always with concern “how do I feel about this?” My response is “when we have more than one child we do not love the first one less we love each child as much and with each have a unique loving relationship. My daughter now in a loving relationship with her birth mom does not mean I am loved less for our relationship is its own loving one as it always has been. Our love has been only been deepened. I am her mom.”

Having more people who love and cherish them is a gift we all want for our children. Now three years later she has also reunited with her birth father and more family. She has had many visits to both families and they also have reconnected. My daughter’s story is a loving one and not everyone’s story but as adoptive moms our role is to be loving and supportive throughout this journey. We will always be their mom but as we taught them to share so long ago so must we and in doing so love returns tenfold. In a few years it will be a second reunion journey with my younger daughter. More Love Lessons. 

Advice for Adoptive Parents

 

• Read, research and become familiar with adoption. My daughter, birth mom and I took part in a six week Joyful Reunion teleclass offered by an adoption coach team, one herself an adopted child and the other a birth mom. I was the only adoptive parent in the class.
• Share your child’s adoption story with them from the beginning even if they are too young to understand so it becomes natural and easy. For my daughter it is the story of being an hour early to pick her up, sitting in the parking lot. How she never woke up until we got her home after being held by several different people and a two hour drive home. In the circumstances of an older child or difficult circumstances focus on what positive details possible and your own story of getting ready to welcome them.
• Answer their questions related to their birth family depending on their age as to the details.
• Be prepared for an inevitable moment during teen years possibly where they stomp off saying they hate you and “you’re not my real mother anyway.” Children going through this period of development towards independence can lash out with the most hurtful thing they can think of. If they were not adopted it could be something else like “I wish you weren’t my mother.” It is more about the stage than the adoption.
• Find ways to be part of the reunion with a scrapbook, photo album or sharing mementos from school and other activities in person or online.
• Your child will share many similarities with their birth parents. The nature versus nurture question. They will share characteristics from both their birth and adoptive parents. They will look like their birth parents but have mannerisms or interests from both. My daughter has always loved camping; her birth family are avid outdoors people. The summer her birth mom was pregnant with her, much of it was spent camping. My daughter also is very creative and crafty; I set up a craft center for her at a very young age.
• Reunion is complex and rejection is a possibility. In my older daughter’s case it has been rich and loving but with such a large extended family now it means spreading herself between many more people. Everyone has her best interests at heart so it has worked out very well. Whatever the case is always be there for them with an open heart. Access professional advice and help for your child, siblings or yourself without any guilt. 

 

Debra Quartermain is a devoted single mom of two amazing daughters ages 16 and 25. She currently resides in Fredericton, NB, Canada.

*A huge Thank You to Kemi Ingram of MOMboTV for introducing me to Debra Quartermain.  Two sites I highly suggest visiting, www.MOMboTV.com and www.pqexpressions.com so you too can be dazzled by the creativity of these amazing women.

 

Dive Right In…or not?

Several people I have spoken to recently are at the beginning stages of their adoption process but feel like they are not being given “all the right information” or they feel like something just isn’t right. Whether it is from the adoption attorney, the adoption agency, a social worker, etc. something is either sounds too good to be true or there is “just something I can’t put my finger on”.  Sound familiar to you?  If it does, RUN!  The most important message I can pass along to you is trust your gut.  That tiny voice in your head, even if it is a whisper, stop and listen.  Heed the warnings.  It will save you heartache and disappointment in the long-run.

As with any other life changing event, you would (or should) do your homework.  Getting married?  Hopefully you have dated awhile and met his friends, family and definitely made sure he has a good relationship with his mother. (I made THAT mistake!)  Having surgery?  You would obviously make sure your doctor is Board Certified, had done this procedure several hundred times (successfully) before with many satisfied patients at the hospital you are planning on using.

It is the same with adoption, domestic or international — interview the adoption agency and/or attorney in person if at all possible.  Be prepared with a laundry list of questions that are important to you.  Don’t let them rush you.  Ask for a list of references and follow up and call those people!  Find out how their experience was, get details  (as much as they will share).  Join support groups, online and in your home town.  For example, RESOLVE, (www.resolve.org) The National Infertility Association, is a non-profit organization with the only established, nationwide network mandated to promote reproductive health and to ensure equal access to all family building options for men and women experiencing infertility or other reproductive disorders.

Their mission statement is: ” to provide timely, compassionate support and information to people who are experiencing infertility and to increase awareness of infertility issues through public education and advocacy.”

RESOLVE is not just for infertility, they are a great adoption resource as well.  In fact, in many communities they have Adoption Expos and Conferences once or twice a year.  I highly recommend looking in to your local chapter and signing up for their quarterly newsletter.

Once you have made the decision that adoption is your pathway to parenthood start telling people you are adopting.  If you are not comfortable telling your family yet, tell the lady on the bus next to you or the person standing in line next to you at the market, you will be surprised how much you will learn from other people about their experiences.  You will also be touched at how complete and total strangers are genuinely thrilled for you.

So do dive in, but remember knowledge is power, however, knowledge + homework+ networking + gut = EMPOWERMENT!

What is an Adoption Coach?

Not sure if you are ready to give up the infertility treatments?  Thinking about adoption?  Already started the process but feeling like you’re not making any progress?  Wondering who you can really trust?  Feeling overwhelmed by all the information on the Internet?  Been there, done that! (Alone I might add) However, at My Adoption Coach I help you explore your adoption hopes, dreams and fears.   I help dispel myths and provide encouragement and clarity.  Together we look at your specific situation and work to develop an adoption plan that suits your individual needs.  My goal is to provide you the best resources and information possible to expedite your vision of becoming a parent.